I Tried to Heal My Trauma and Failed. Guess What Actually Worked?

What if everything the wellness industry taught you about “healing” trauma was fundamentally wrong?

Mar 25, 2026

Originally posted at https://www.djvalerieblove.com/post/i-tried-to-heal-my-trauma-and-failed-guess-what-actually-worked

After surviving sexual, physical, psychological, and emotional trauma and spending years in the trenches of my own recovery, I’ve come to a contrarian conclusion that most therapists won’t tell you: you can’t heal trauma. But you CAN transcend it. And that mindset shift changes everything.

✨ Key Takeaways

Trauma never fully disappears or heals. But it doesn’t have to be the driver of your life. Think of it like grief: always there, but it doesn’t have to be the loudest voice in the room.
The 4F trauma stress responses are missing a critical 5th F. Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn are well-known. But FAITH is the game-changer nobody’s teaching.
The 5 SNAP Method gives you a practical, spiritual micro-practice for navigating triggers and overwhelming emotions in real time. Not in a therapist’s office next Tuesday.
Birth trauma is universal. Every single human being has experienced it. You’re not broken. You’re human.
You are both the scientist AND the experiment. Your life is the laboratory, and the 11x LOVE Method helps you run experiments that actually stick.
Knowing a tool exists is NOT the same as using it. Just like owning a recipe book doesn’t feed you. You have to pull it off the shelf, get the ingredients, and cook.

Why “Healing” Trauma Is the Wrong Goal

Here’s where I may ruffle some mainstream feathers.

A lot of people in the therapy and psychology world talk about “healing trauma” like it’s a destination. Like one day you’ll arrive at this magical place where the pain is gone, the memories don’t sting, and your nervous system never gets flooded again.

I call BS.

Trauma is like grief. When you lose someone you love deeply, that grief doesn’t just evaporate. It’s always there. But over time, with practice, with God, with community, it stops being the first and most prevalent thing in your field of awareness. It softens. It shifts. It transforms from a tidal wave into a ripple.

That’s not healing. That’s transcendence.

To rise above limitations, that’s where the real freedom lives.

I’m not saying all therapy is useless. But in my experience, it needs to be complemented with more action-oriented tools from coaching practices. What they don’t teach and engrain in you in your tens of thousands of dollars of therapy are the consistent daily micro-practices that help you navigate the moments when your nervous system gets hijacked by a memory, a trigger, or an unexpected phone call from someone who deeply betrayed you.

That happened to me yesterday, twice, and thank God for this practice I am going to share with you.

⚠️ Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. This is my lived experience and the spiritual framework that has helped me transcend trauma, not replace professional care. If you’re in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988).

The 4 F’s of a Trauma Stress Response… And the 5th F Nobody Talks About

You’ve probably heard of these:

Fight. You confront the threat head-on.
Flight. You run from it.
Freeze. You become a deer in the headlights.
Fawn. You people-please your way to safety.

That fourth one, Fawn, doesn’t get enough airtime. It’s the survival mechanism that develops when you’re a child trying to be the peacekeeper in a chaotic household. You learn to make sure everyone else OK so you can feel safe.

I am a recovering “people-pleaser” and still catch myself doing it. “Let me just make sure everyone else is OK, and then I’ll be OK…”

Sound familiar?

But here’s what I’ve discovered through years of navigating my own trauma. There’s a 5th F - the MOST important one:

FAITH.

When I’m being flooded like a tsunami with overwhelming emotions, when my nervous system is hijacked with fear chemicals, when old memories surge back uninvited, when I feel trapped and powerless… Faith is my anchor in the storm.

Not fake it til ya make it toxic positivity.

But a deep, practiced connection to God that I trust and can access in the middle of the hurricane.

And accessing that connection? That’s where the 5 SNAP Method comes in.

The 5 SNAP Method: An Actionable Tool to Empower Your Nervous System

Almost 10 years ago it looked like I had it all on the outside but I was wearing a mask pretending everything was fine, as I was slowly dying on the inside. After a series of soul-crushing events I ended up “SNAPPING” and found myself in the hospital, narrowly escaping death. I had an epiphany that if strong people like myself can “SNAP!” and lose it my sh!t, why can’t the reverse be true? So I decided to experiment and investigate and came up with the 5 SNAP Method below.

I also realized that I wasn’t alone on the journey, and was extremely empathic (highly sensitive and intuitive), and started a project called “SNAP! Goes the Human”, a collection of anonymous short stories about the fragility, strength, and resilience of the human spirit and how every living organism, under the right (or wrong) conditions, can SNAP.

You can share yours and learn more here https://djvalerieblove.com/snap

But for now, check out how you can apply the 5 SNAP Method to your beautiful life.

Each one begins with “Start Now” because this moment is where the power is.

I designed it in 5 steps so it can be done counting on one hand.

Each one is also meant to literally SNAP your fingers together and repeat each step out loud if possible (if you are in a business meeting etc. do it silently).

Why?

I experimented and found that syncing a physical and sonic action with a mental cue helps me get grounded in my body and not drifting off into a doom loop in my mind. Experiment with it yourself.

SNAP 1: Start Now, Allow a PAUSE

Before you react, before you spiral, before you send that text… pause. Just breathe. Repeat. Create a microsecond of space between the trigger and your response. That pause is sacred. It’s where your power lives.

Your breath is always with you and is your superpower.

It sounds easy, but it takes practice. Lots of it. Every day.

Practice this during non-triggered moments, washing the dishes, at a red light, brushing your teeth, putting on socks, etc.

Then practice in mildly triggering moments, when your kids are being forgetful getting out the door, possibly making them late for school, or when your dog is barking at the wind and won’t shut up. Neither of these are high stakes but mildly irritating and good times to practice.

This way when the real sh!t hits the fan moments and triggers occur, you have some muscle memory to center and ground you in your power.

I still and always will need to practice this - every day.

Remember “wax on, wax off Danielson”?

This is it.

SNAP 2: Start Now, Activate PROTECTION + Connection to “God”

This is where the 5th F, FAITH, kicks in.

In the pause, I connect to God. I breathe. I pray. I surrender. I remind myself:

I am not alone. God is my supply. God is my anchor. I am safe.

This isn’t about religion. It’s about activating your unique spiritual foundation and connecting to the infinite protection of whatever God or divine power you believe in, when the ground beneath you feels like an earthquake is going to swallow you whole.

I am not telling you which “God” to believe in or what to call it. For me I used to be allergic to the word God until I almost died. Something in me shifted and instead of feeling scared and alone like I had for my entire life, I felt unconditional LOVE, strength, and protection.

My relationship with God is THE most important transformational relationship of my entire life.

Nothing even comes close to the impact God has on my wellbeing in all areas of life. NOTHING.

When I REMEMBER to be present with God’s infinite grace and power, then and ONLY then can my nervous system truly relax.

Not the fake it til you make it relax.

Pure relaxation. It’s magic.

Even if you have not created a deep, trusting relationship yet with your version of the Divine, what have you got to lose?

Do an experiment for the next 7 days and see how it feels to dance with the Divine each and every day.

Imagine a relationship so pure and true, so accepting of you, ALL of you, mistakes and all, it creates inner peace just thinking about it.

I want to hear how it goes.

SNAP 3: Start Now, Assess the PROBLEM

What’s actually happening? I have discovered, no matter how hard I try, I cannot effectively get into my logical, analytical mind until I feel safe and that’s why I must do the previous SNAP, connecting to God’s LOVE and protection, and calm my system down, before I even try to effectively assess the problem.

Which villain is showing up right now? In the 11x LOVE Method, we identify 13 Villains (FALSEGCCPPDDD) that keep us trapped:

Fear, Apathy, Lies, Shame, Energy Imbalance, Guilt, Comparison, Confusion, Pain, Powerlessness, Disappointment, Distraction, Disconnection.

It’s like the 7 dwarfs but they are the 13 villains.

Name the villain. When you name it, you take away its power and realize it is simply a messenger. “Oh, that’s Powerlessness trying to run the show. I see you. What would you like me to learn?”

ex. BETRAYAL:

Earlier I mentioned betrayal from a someone who I thought was a friend- “Lies and Disappointment Villains”.

After I did 1 and 2 SNAPs, (Start Now Allow a Pause, and Start Now Activate Protection and Connection), I was able to calmly self-coach and ask, “what’s really under this Val?” It was a massive trigger for me that brought up anger and disgust, not feeling like I can trust people and wanting to protect myself.

I was hurt that I opened myself up and gave generously to someone who took advantage of my gifts. They were dishonest about their intentions, trying to take my and my creative partner’s creation and pretend it was theirs. I felt used and betrayed.

The reality is, who cares about that guy. I may have to fight for the truth but the ultimate truth is what matters.

God is watching and he will have to deal with his deception and lies. It’s not up to me.

My creative partner and I know the truth and so does God.

My job is to turn it over to God, stay open and loving and not shut down because of a bad actor.

And just an FYI - being loving doesn’t mean being a doormat.

I don’t wish bad things on this person but he is like a parasite, never to return near my heart or creative gifts.

Some people, places, and things are toxic and need to not be allowed near you.

Life is too short and you are too awesome for that BS.

SNAP 4: Start Now, Awaken Possibility + Achieve PROGRESS

What possibility can I imagine in this moment?

What does it feel like for God to really have my back?

What would I feel like as I let that sh!t go?

What’s the next right thing I can do in this moment to make progress? It doesn’t have to be massive. It might be:

Splashing cold water on your face
Calling a friend
Playing with your dog
Doing 10 push-ups
Having a piece of chocolate
Going outside and breathing fresh air
Putting on your favorite song
Doing one thing on your daily “get to” list

Whatever helps you self-soothe in a healthy way and feel connected to God again. That’s progress. That’s the next right thing.

Once you feel more settled and soothed, you can think and act clearly and get on with your awesome day.

SNAP 5: Start Now, Appreciate PEACE

Peace isn’t bypassing nor suppressing emotions. It’s a harmonious state of being. A sense of relief from the tsunami that was trying to pull you under. Those big emotions don’t have to drive the ship. You take the wheel. And when the wave passes, you appreciate that you navigated it. You showed up for yourself. That’s Victory In Progress.

I always say “Balance is BS” - why?

Because it is unattainable and messes with your head.

I believe harmony is the better experience and by pursuing harmony in all 11 dimensions of life, you can feel more inner peace.

Think about it, have you ever listened to a song where all the notes were played equally at the same time and said - “what a nicely balanced song?”

Of course not.

What makes a majestic symphony is the harmony, melody and rhythm in concert with each other taking you on a mystical journey.

That’s life.

A song. A masterpiece.

YOUR song. YOUR masterpiece.

Make it special.

Why This Takes Practice Every Single Day

The issue with the 5 SNAP Method, (and all other tools), simply knowing it doesn’t actually give you the results.

It’s like having a gorgeous recipe book sitting on your shelf. Yay! Great! But that book isn’t going to feed you. You need to:

Pull it off the shelf
Go get the ingredients
Mix them together
Cook them
THEN you get the meal

Same thing here. The 5 SNAPs are useless on a shelf. They truly work when you practice them every single day especially when you’re NOT in the middle of being overstimulated, overwhelmed, and triggered. I repeat, practice them when your are NOT triggered.

To build muscle memory, it takes repetition. Just like brushing your teeth. You don’t do it once and call it done forever. It’s a daily practice, it is part of my Daily LOVE Practice.

The Universal Trauma Nobody Talks About: Birth

Here’s something profound to consider: every single human being on this planet shares one trauma in common.

Birth.

Think about it. You’re floating in this warm, dark, cozy womb. Everything you need is being pumped into your system through the umbilical cord from your Mother. Life is good. You’re chilling.

And then WHAM!

Whether through the birth canal or a C-section, you get violently pushed or dragged out into a world that is cold, loud, bright, and unfamiliar. Strangers are touching you.

The safe, cozy Mother’s womb is gone.

The lifeline gets cut.

And suddenly you’re separated, vulnerable, and alone in this big, giant world.

Every human goes through that. Nobody is immune.

But here’s the good news: you don’t have to go back there and relive your birth trauma on repeat. You’re here. You made it. The question isn’t “what happened?” The question is “now what?”

For me and my clients, transcending this trauma and any other trauma is not only possible but transformational.

Once you take your power back from the old stories and energy that once held you captive, your life will never be the same again.

Your Life Is the Laboratory (Earn Your MEhD)

Always remember, what works for me might not work for you. That’s why I believe in treating your life as one big laboratory.

You are the scientist. And you are the experiment. You’re both.

That’s what we do in the 11x LOVE LaB. We run experiments. We test what works. We collect data (not drama). When something doesn’t work, it’s not a failure. It’s a data point. No shame. When something DOES work, we double down.

Your goal is to become the world’s leading expert on YOU.

To earn your MEhD (your doctorate in self-mastery).

So when triggers pop up, you know which tool to pull from your toolkit. And when a situation is brand new? You think differently, experiment, and discover new tools.

This isn’t a “set it and forget it” weekend warrior program.

This is a lifetime practice.

Just like I have to brush my teeth every day, I have to practice my 5 SNAPs every day. Some days I nail it. Other days, like yesterday when two people who deeply betrayed me contacted me out of the blue within hours of each other… I have to really work for it.

But I did it. I tuned in with God. I practiced my SNAPs. I took care of myself. And instead of spiraling into a doom loop, I felt strong, nurtured, connected, and powerful.

I don’t have to let those people back into my life the way they were before. But I also don’t have to hold the hurt in my heart anymore. I let it go. And that vibe of FREEDOM? It’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

Lesson and Blessing: Past traumatic experiences don’t have to color everything you do. You can transcend them. The pain doesn’t disappear, but you can let it go. And THAT is the Divine Masterpiece you’re building.

Q & A: Common Questions About Transcending Trauma

Q: If trauma can’t be healed, does that mean therapy is useless?

No. Therapy can be a valuable tool, especially for processing and understanding your experiences. But therapy alone isn’t enough for most people. What’s missing are the consistent daily micro-practices that help you navigate triggers in real time, during the other 6 days and 23 hours outside the weekly therapist visit. The 5 SNAP Method is one tool that fills that gap.

Q: What’s the difference between healing trauma and transcending it?

Healing implies the trauma disappears. Transcending means it no longer controls you. Think of it like a car after an accident. You repair it and drive forward. You don’t sit in the parking lot staring at where the dent used to be talking about it for the next 5 years. Transcendence means the memory exists and can flare up from time to time, but it doesn’t run your life.

Q: How long does it take to learn the 5 SNAP Method?

You can learn it in five minutes. Mastering it takes a lifetime. I am still working on it every day. Like any skill (playing guitar, meditation, cooking), the magic is in the daily practice and muscle memory. The more you use it during calm moments, the more accessible it becomes during storms.

Q: What if I’m too overwhelmed to remember the 5 SNAPs when I’m triggered?

Start with just SNAP 1: Start Now Allow a Pause. That’s it. One breath. One moment of space. Repeat. Then SNAP 2 - Start Now Activate Protection: CONNECT with protection from your version of God. Over time, the other 3 steps become easier once you take control of the moment with 1+2. And having a community or accountability buddy who knows the framework can help remind you when you forget. You don’t have to do this alone.

Q: Is this a replacement for professional mental health care?

Absolutely not. The 5 SNAP Method is a complementary spiritual practice, not a clinical treatment. If you’re dealing with PTSD, complex trauma, or crisis situations, please work with a qualified professional. This framework is about adding daily tools to your toolkit, not replacing the ones that are already helping you.

🔥 Ready to Transform Your Life?

If this resonated with you… if you’re tired of talking about your trauma and ready to start transcending it… I’d love to support you.

Join the 11x LOVE LaB — Daily LOVE practices, the 5 SNAP Method, community & accountability. Waitlist is open now.
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Remember…

You are LOVE and You are LOVED

Wishing You Peace, LOVE, and Warm Aloha

DJ Valerie B LOVE 🩷

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🩷 About DJ Valerie B LOVE ~ The Vibe Goddess

DJ Valerie B LOVE is a spiritual life coach, podcaster, and creator of the 11x LOVE Method. A holistic framework for designing and building a life of spiritual fulfillment and freedom across all 11 dimensions of life. A former globetrotting DJ and entrepreneur turned transformation guide, Valerie specializes in post-crisis recovery, psychedelic integration, holistic sobriety, and helping leaders transcend trauma and become safe, happy, healthy, wealthy, wise, sober, and FREE.

With 9+ years on a joyful sobriety journey and $150K+ invested in personal transformation, Valerie built what she couldn’t find. A comprehensive, spiritual method that actually works in real life, in motherhood, and in business.

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